Mounds of Grass...

The pain is ludicrious, unbarably impossible, how the hell is it possible for something to hurt so... so.... bad.... bad like, the world is ending, but only for you, while the rest of space and time rotates on, because the unwanted baggage is gone.

Fucking, fucking, goddamn fucking shitty hell, that's all this fucking fuckcrap is worth, I can't stand this, I can't bear it, I hate these words, these damn curses, but there are no other words that explain the violent grief, stubborn war of emotions that carry ramparts of commitment and claim the cause of Love, and there's outrage, defense recoiling that is in shock and disbelief at the huge extent of betrayal I feel...

Brings one thing to mind, though; Love and war, they're almost the same.... It seems, though, that love is the war of peacetime...

Yeah. So. I'm taking this really bad. Really, really fucking, bad. But it's life, I'm living, I risked this... I knew this was going to happen. Heh. Nope, that's a lie. I didn't. That's the one thing I didn't count on, my confidence couldn't overwhelm it just by the mere want to rule.... my ability to reign in whatever I wanted just by wanting it bad enough could not work here... As was proven. So, that's life. It reared its unpredictable head, that's always there. But that just keeps things interesting.

Painful, too. But interesting all the same. But at least for me, this means back to Bebop style... I liked that version of myself better, anyway.

Life goals, in reverse order:

1. My house on a cliff, over looking the ocean...in Austraia...
2. My woman, who is passionately and unconiditionally, loyally in love with me, just as I am in love with her. And there, with us, shall be our children.
3. A coffee house/ surf shop, on the beach. Small, but perfect.
4. Become a Professor, until I retire in my house with the coffeeshop....
5. My decade long film career... five films or so, which aer all thought-stricken and effective, they make the viewers think about their world...
6. A decorated career as an international ambassador, I will personally see to the world I am, right now, criticizing, hating, and desperate to battle...
7. In order to do that, I need international presteige. That will only come through politics and money. For politics, I will attend fiercely to domestic issues in this country that I long to leave...
8. My doorway to dominant politics and money, will emerge from my career in law. Additionally, I will use this opportunity to understand the complex necessities that plague mortal laws... This will sharpen my skills as a public debator, speaker, it will perfect my intelligence, vision to note error, and exploit it.... Further, this will provide me with ample funding for the immensity of the projects to follow, my number 7... politics and global concerns.
9. To be lawyer, I need to gain a law degree. That is goal 9.
10. To get a law degree, I need a masters degree in pre-law. That is goal 10.
11. Get into a school which features pre-law courses. That is what I am working on now. That much is easy... Well... easier...
12. Writing. Though this is goal 12, it is the most important. It will be the wings by which the rest of these goals shall be possible. It will be my voice when I cannot speak, because I cannot speak to the world at once... It will be how I prove myself, manuever myself, parade and dictate and cotrol myself.... when the time comes, manipulate, undermine, and overwhelm.... And when I'm gone, it will be my legacy, what immortalizes everything I will strive to achieve.... It starts now, with little things, like novels and films and essays and theories... but it will be with me, carry me on throughout everything.

...


When tragedy like this attacks, the best way to move on, is to take stock of what I have now, what I am working on, what I have accomplished, and what I will...

Currently:
Writing:
1. Storywriter Analagion - Novel.
2. Storywriter Dramatis - script, screenplay.
3. Essays on Thought - hypercritcal analysis of everything.
4. Haeman's Blemar
5. Converting old poetry penbooks into publishable form.

Body: Working out, often. As in, everyday. The rage that rose from this tragedy has intensely helped with that, and the Martial Arts... Additionally, is acne cream, its useless, almost. Luckily, I rarely need it anymore... My hair is growing longer. Samson's returning...

School: NYU application. Temple application.

Job: Landed a good 11.50 job recently. This should improve my stupid car 'situation'....






And that is all.

Next time, Haeman's Belmar, Part II.